1. OUR BRAIN IS COMPLETELY OFF.
We are gone. We have no idea what’s going on during orgasm. It’s almost Zen the way we really focus on not focusing on anything. It’s brief and it lasts only seconds tops, but it’s going through our whole body. It’s like that quick moment of zero-G on a roller coaster. It’s the only thing we’re really aware of. It’s not so much that this is a secret we’re trying to keep. It’s just difficult to explain just how unique the sensation is.
If you were so inclined to ask us a question while we came, you probably wouldn’t get much of an answer. It doesn’t seem like a lot of research has been done on this (at least according to a very cursory Google search that lasted all of 10 seconds). Try asking your partner to add single-digit numbers while they’re orgasming. Or simple “yes” or “no” questions as their brain is metaphorically melting. They’ll probably struggle. Actually, in all honestly, they’ll probably ask you why you were asking them what 4+4 is and why you ruined their orgasm. But still, do it for science.
2. WE ACTUALLY HAVE AN ALMOST UNCANNY SENSE OF WHEN WE’RE GOING TO ORGASM.
Don’t let anyone lie to you about “accidentally” ejaculating without warning. We can feel the buildup. Don’t let anyone tell you they didn’t realise they were about to finish in your mouth. It’d be like saying, “Sorry, I had no idea I was about to shit. My body gave me zero warning signs that I was going to have a bowel movement. Sorry about your rug.”
The only exception here would someone about to have their literal first-ever orgasm of life. Then they might really not have a good handle on the whole thing. And probably people with amnesia. But that’s really it.
3. WHEN IT COMES TO SPEED AND EFFICIENCY, HE’S PROBABLY FASTER AT GETTING HIMSELF OFF THAN A PARTNER WOULD BE.
This is in no way meant to detract from the enjoyment he gets out of an “assisted” orgasm but he knows exactly how his pipes work. If someone ever jumps you in a dark alley, and points a gun at you and your partner, and screams, “ORGASM IN UNDER A MINUTE OR I’LL KILL YOU,” your best bet is to just let your boyfriend jerk off.
Alternatively, run, because this guy sounds pretty unpredictable. Why is he taking you to all these dark alleys?
But in terms of the whole Malcolm Gladwell “10,000 hours” theory, most men are truly masters at cranking it. Don’t be offended if he asks to take over and guide himself for the last few seconds.
4. WE NEED THAT POST-SEX PEE.
Everyone knows women pretty much need to race to the bathroom after sex to avoid UTIs but it’s important for guys to clean the pipes too. Dry semen can make for some uncomfortable sensations or at the very least can mean our pee stream splits in half next time we urinate. This is a very real problem for men.
Women get to sit down and point all the necessary components for peeing at the water, making it virtually impossible to make an unintended mess. But for guys, an errant glob of ejaculate means we’re suddenly pissing like a sprinkler in two directions, neither one of which is the intended target. It means guys wind up peeing on the seat, the toilet, the wall, the floor. It’s awful.